My First NoFap Journey

My recorded reflection on Jun 2020


5/7/202314 min read

black pen on white book page
black pen on white book page

While perusing my online diary, I stumbled upon an article I had penned chronicling my first foray into the world of NoFap.

At the time, I had even created a website to document my journey, but unfortunately, it didn't endure beyond my eventual relapse.

However, I've decided to share this article with you today to provide insights into the initial experience of undertaking NoFap.

It's my hope that by sharing my story, I can help and encourage others who are starting out on this journey.

Introduction (Dated 30 June 2020)

Going on a 30 day Nofap challenge is one of the best things I have ever done for myself.

While I did not gain any superpowers, I am more productive (due more time, higher focus and able to do hard work), built a series of healthy habits and improved my most important relationships by leaps and bounds.

Looking back, I can’t believe that I had actually not watched porn for a month. It feels unreal since I am a vivid porn fapper for 24 years and used to doing it almost daily.

It wasn’t easy. There are plenty of hurdles and obstacles along the way but having a work routine and 24/7 caregiving for a newborn helps a lot.

Today, I am excited to share with you the journey and benefits I have gotten during the abstinence from porn for 30 days.

So, let’s dive in.

Why Did I do NoFap?

I am actually an accidental Nofapper.

When I first started my 30 days no porn challenge on 31 May 2020, I did not know that pornography was fxxxing with my brain and my life.

It was experimental in nature to free up more time for other pursuits and an attempt to start afresh. You know, like a new year's resolution except this time I actually attempt it.

It was one week into the challenge that I started doing research on the benefits which I experienced.

From there, I found the Nofap Reddit community and most importantly, Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson.

I felt like a train had just rammed into my head.

What resonated with me most was the findings that Gary Wilson had on porn addiction (and I was still addicted to porn even though I knew it is bad).

The symptoms and side effects (such as porn-induced erectile dysfunction, increasing novelty needs and the lack of motivation) were blaringly similar to what I am experiencing.

The effects actually compounded in the past 3 years when my porn consumption increased due to having more free time by myself.

I need to do something about this damaging relationship I have with porn. I have to conquer this.

Are Nofap Benefits Real?


I had personally experienced many of them during 30 days of abstinence from porn. Some which I incline to believe are life changing.

But it does not gain you superpowers as many people in the Nofap community liked to claim. Also, these benefits aren’t exclusive to nofap warriors either.

They are just traits/habits that a self-motivated and focused person possesses.

A friend of mine who is incredibly successful, faps to pornography regularly.

He holds a job that pays him 6 figures yearly, owns several side businesses and he does all these while furthering his education.

Women are attracted to him like moths to fire.

His secret?

He always does what matters most first and gets his gratification later (such as playing smartphone games, watching dramas and yes, even fapping).

Delay gratification, the number one trait of all successful people.

To me, nofap is all about dopamine reset and training your muscles in delaying gratification.

I do think that it is a powerful tool for people who are addicted to porn to change their life for the better and become a man again.

It allows you to see drastic changes in a short period of time (within 30 days) and you will get a glimpse of how highly effective people act.

Below are the benefits which I had experienced but do note that I also had other helpful habits in place while doing nofap.

Increased Focus

While I do not have the attention span of a goldfish, (I think I am more like a monkey), working equals tabbing frequently to see updates on Stream, and Youtube. (After relapsed and giving up on making stuffs online, I went back to mindless dopamine surges.)

Everything else seemed much more interesting than getting work done.

During the 30 days, I am able to do at least 1 hour of deep focused work regularly and read self-help materials every day. (Interesting. I am doing the same now with more intensity.)

Albeit the work I did was simple video-editing which is new to me, visually stimulating and provides so called instant feedback (you know immediately how your video looks).

So I can’t say for sure that if I can do the same for mundane work such as studying for exams or making superb videos.

I attribute this change as a cause of strengthening my delayed gratification muscle and reduction of dopamine residual in my brain.

Fapping regularly made me become habitual to instant gratification. Furthermore, drowning in dopamine from porn and gaming resulted in little interest in low dopamine production activities such as working and reading.

Finally, I am able to enjoy work again.

Develop Good Habits While Scraping The Bad Ones

Like James Clear wrote in his book Atomic Habits, there are no inherently good or bad habits.

All habits are created to help solve your problem in some ways - even the bad ones - which is why we repeat them. We might be eating junk food to feel good and watching porn to relax.

Good habits are ones that will benefit you in the long run.

I stopped playing computer games and reading online novels entirely. Limiting my time spent on social media and entertainment freed up slots for more learning and spending quality time with family.

New habits like exercising, middle split stretching and taking cold showers daily were formed.

Many ‘difficult’ things become easier to do when you start showing yourself that you can in fact suppress the most primal urge of human beings and a lifelong addiction. Other things become minuscule.

If you want to attempt nofap, replacing your five fingers routine with another habit is crucial.

Otherwise, it is easy to fall into the old habit especially if you have specific timing (like everyone is asleep) for that habit.

black and gray metal pipe
black and gray metal pipe

More Time

Considering that I spend almost 2 hour every fapping session and 5 times a week.

That is 10 hours weekly and 520 hours yearly.

If you include the hours which I spent on gaming, that amounts to 2600 hours a year... Which means that I could have studied for a Master’s program and still have 800 hours to spare.

That is insane… And it hurts a lot. All the time wasted due to my addictions and inaction (Wow, I am hit again).

Enough of self wallow. Time has better use now.

While I no longer have the luxury of so much spare time now due to the new baby, I make sure that I fully utilise whatever time I have.

When you stop watching porn, all of the sudden you have many hours to spare.

When there is a newfound drive for a better life; excessive gaming, bingeing on entertainment and following half naked females on social media become utterly meaningless and a waste of time.

Take up the new hobby which you always wanted to have, spend more time with your loved ones, learn a new language, sculpt the body you always wanted, get back to your favorite sport; any of these would be more fulfilling and life changing than wasting your time away beating your rod to the pixel lady.

More Energy

photo of silhouette photo of man standing on rock
photo of silhouette photo of man standing on rock

We all know that masturbation to porn leaves you feeling fatigued and makes you stay in a state of mental numbness for hours.

Now multiply that with the number of times you fap daily, you are literally a walking corpse (no... not that Warm Bodies cliches).

In Taoism, semen is equivalent to life essence. Which is why Taoist practise semen retention or at least reduce their rate of ejaculation to converse their ‘Chi’.

In the days before nofap, I would start yawning around 11am and desperately need a nap by 1pm.

When I was taking care of my eldest daughter full time, those were the times I was most irritable and least present for her.

I would often encourage her to play by herself while I take a nap.

Now, I can operate optimally throughout the day and have the capacity to handle that energy monster who is contained at home due to Covid19.

It is a godsend power up. I think Taoist is right on the dot.

I am not advocating masturbation is wrong (though to porn is). I am saying that we have to be mindful about the frequency.

Once daily is definitely not healthy.

Find More Joy In Work And Little Things In Life

a young boy running through a sprinkle of water
a young boy running through a sprinkle of water

Without high dopamine flooding up with the brain, completing tiny milestones we set for ourselves everyday become much more enjoyable.

Life is no longer about getting yourself off (our brain thinks that it is procreation which makes it so damn important), achieving fake accomplishments (feeling powerful in virtual reality) and seeking constant novelty (watching internet porn or gaming).

It becomes a pursuit of real life achievements, completing goals that will make tomorrow better and gaining meaningful relationships that last.

Life becomes interesting again.

There is joy in little things too.

I started looking forward to the morning walk which I have with my baby girl every day.

The touch of the gentle breeze, the captivating multitude of colors in the greenery, the rustic feel of the wooden bridge and most importantly; the beautiful smiles of my beloved.

Life is good.

You will love life again.

A Chance To Introspect

This is huge for me.

Not relying on porn provided me a chance to really reflect on the shit I had been doing to myself and others.

When your usual escape route (porn and video games) is shut off, you have to face your inner demons and start taking responsibility for life you have created.

Life sucks because I had made it so.

You will look into the bleeding mountain of regrets and decide that I had enough with inaction.

It will be an ongoing, uncomfortable but necessary rite of passage for a boy (I realized that I had not matured despite my age) to reach manhood.

Manhood is about providing for your family, protecting your loved ones and creating values to the community.

It is about becoming the best person you can be and mastering yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually.

Better Temper Management

This is an unexpected benefit.

Both wifey and I thought that I would be short fused with all the piled up sexual energy and increase in testosterone.

Surprisingly, contrary to our expectations, wifey noticed that I attained a state of being which she called zen mode.

I was way calmer and more open-minded than pre-Nofap period.

There were times when she sugar-coated her words to avoid hurting me but I sounded her out calmly and asked for honesty.

While she was taken back, she was grateful for the change as honesty is the pillar of a strong relationship.

Personally, I think it is a result of having better self-control (if you can control primal urge, you can control your temper) and being more assured of self.

Defense mechanism is lowered and self righteousness dampened.

More Will Power

Every time I did the middle split stretch, my face closed in grimace and grunts of pain escaped my throat. I tried to look more manly but it felt like my groin and inner thighs were tearing apart.

And I continued to do it every day without fail… I must be a closet masochist.

While I am unable to do a complete split yet, I am becoming more flexible slowly but surely.

I also decided to challenge myself in learning how to do jump rope properly. I couldn’t skip and my only childhood memories with jump rope were tripping and coming last during the school sport carnival.

This particular challenge was incredibly frustrating and it took me 22 days to learn how to not double bounce. But eventually I am able to do proper jump rope and it felt like a personal achievement.

All these would have been impossible without the willpower to push through the pain and frustration.

Try something you always thought was impossible. You will be surprised with the result you get.

Morning Woods At Age 40

I was able to embark on tougher challenges such as learning to do middle split and jump ropes daily.

While quitting porn, I had this “wonderful” idea of doing something difficult to prove that one can achieve anything that he puts himself to.

So I decided to stretch every day until I can successfully do a complete middle split. I am not athletic nor flexible and I am a 40-year-old bloke who is as stiff as a log.

I can’t remember the last time I had morning wood.

I rationalized that it was because I was getting old and my biological function had weakened. Now it seems obvious (at least for me) that fapping too much to porn destroys my morning wood.

Welcome back! The inconvenient aim-with-difficulty-due-to-stiffness morning peeing!

Better Relationships

Being less of an emotional hedgehog and short-fused rabid dog improves relationships tremendously especially with your loved ones.

When you become more self-assured and actively doing self improvement, your self esteem grows and every remark sounds less like a personal attack.

My wife confided to me that due to my changes, she felt that she could trust me better now and is more willing to share her worries about me and our future.

She wasn’t able to do so before as she feared the conversation was likely to end up ugly and become a blaming game.

At the end of it, I would just shut out from the conversation and withdraw further.

Now we are able to converse better, and she feels that I am on the same page.

people holding hands together
people holding hands together

Enjoyed Sex More

In the past, sex was an obligation that I as a husband had to fulfil so that my wife’s won’t end up sexually frustrated.

My metaphor for sex is “the cow ploughs the farm”. Cow ended up exhausted and the land got nourished.

Sex feels different now.

There is no longer a rush to complete the deed and I became more sensitive to her needs. Sex become more enjoyable even after few days of no porn.

If you want to spice up your sex life, I definitely recommend you to start nofap now. Man, porn really messed up our expectation of sex.

What It Did Not Do For Me

There are other benefits which nofap community declared having which I was kind of looking forward to having.

But duh.

Becoming More Attractive

No occurrences of women approaching me voluntarily and no sign of me becoming Chris Hemsworth in their eyes.

Probably a good thing too.

Otherwise, there may be murder reports surfacing in my neighborhood (my wife is quite territorial).

Come on people.

Nofap doesn’t magically make one attractive. It takes courage, effort and skills to become good at conversations and seduce women with just words and presence.

If you are a recluse and fap in your own world kind of dude, there is no way that after nofap you suddenly become the alpha male that women want to have babies with.

Better Hair and Skin Glowing

Seriously, these are some of the things that make nofap sound like some magical fables.

There are nofappers who claimed this and tried to back it up with science like semen contains nutrients necessary for your skin and hair. That is why recycling it causes your skin and hair to be better.

How about women who did nofap and reported the same benefits? Do they have semen?

Many nofappers start exercising, sleep better, eat healthier and become more positive. All these can attribute better hair and skin glow (1)(2).

It is not nofap, it is the habits which you developed during nofap that causes positive physical outcomes.

I have more pimples now due to working late everyday. Nofap will not miraculously cure or give you better skin if you do not take care of your body or getting enough sleep.

Deeper Voice...

Didn’t notice any deepening of my voice either.

Common explanation of the nofap community is higher testosterone equals deeper voice.

Tell that to South Korean singer Kim Jong kook who is often teased by his co-stars at running man for singing like a mosquito due to his high pitch.

His testosterone level is a legendary 9.24 which is double the amount of average Korean male in their forties and he was 42 years old when the video was taken.

Need another example?

Mike Tyson. His voice is high pitched but does he look like someone with low testosterone to you?

I am sure that he can take me out in one punch even if he is 53 year old now.

Honestly, I don’t know what with the internet faze over deep voices. When I was in choir at Secondary 4 (equivalent to American High School Grade 11), I was the lowest bass.

I don’t command attention when I talk and wifey often complains how difficult it is to hear me sometimes due to my low octave frequency.

Cure Me Of Social Anxiety

While it lessens a bit, I am still afraid to meet people or initiate conversation naturally.

I guess it can only be cured when you achieve a certain level of achievement that can make you feel confident again. (The elixir is giving as I written in my other article on social anxiety)

Side Effects Of Nofap

Now let’s talk about the negative impacts of nofap for the past 30 days.


I have huge difficulty sleeping for the first 3 weeks. I would lie awake for almost 2 hours while my mind chattered on like a huge fish market.

And no, exercising and meditation did not help at all.

I rarely had problems with sleeping before Nofap. Apparently, research claimed that sex and orgasm does help with sleep due to release of oxytocin and endorphins (3)(4).

Even though I am still able to function the next day, staying up at night against your will is utterly shattering.

Thankfully, for me it went away after 3 weeks.

Last Shorter In Bed

man in white long sleeve shirt
man in white long sleeve shirt

Without fapping and edging, our rod becomes more sensitive. I guess it is inevitable that one lasts shorter in bed (at least in the beginning).

I am aghasted to discover that my wife actually preferred it. She often complained that it took too long for me to ejaculate (due to desensitization and deliberate effort to hold back) and it always left her exhausted. Now the duration is just nice.

New lesson learned. Women do not necessarily enjoy long sessions.

Constant Discomfort Around Groin Area

There is an energy build up around the groin area that you can’t help bringing your attention to.

You can also get erection from unintentional touches which is both uncomfortable and embarrassing.

It's like becoming teenage all over again...


I don’t blame porn for the failure of my life.

Yeah sure, it does have an effect on me. But blaming everything on it gives too much power to your external locus of control. We all knew that there is something inherently wrong with watching porn.

Otherwise, why is everyone so secretive about it? Why do we feel shame when someone caught us in the act?

It is all about doing first thing first. If you always do the most important thing first and know how to delay gratification, there is no reason that you won’t be successful in some part of your life.

Blaming externally will never improve one self. If not porn, it can be video games, Facebook, Youtube or even exercising.

There are always stories of people who are obsessed with bodybuilding and destroy themselves with testosterone. Even too much of a good thing can be bad. Cue orthorexia.

I hope that my story will help you in your 30 days nofap journey. Let’s get on the journey together and get pornography out of our life.

Love you guys! Take care and stay safe.

P.S Today's Reflection

Revisiting my diary entry has given me a fresh perspective on my experience with addiction.

It's shocking to see how my compulsions had caused me to distance myself from loved ones and sabotage my aspirations.

This realization has given me greater empathy towards other addicts, as I now understand that simply knowing that something is harmful may not be enough to overcome it.

The potential triggers for relapse can arise at any time, as I experienced myself when I deemed my YouTube journey a failure.

But I am not going to throw the towel. What matters is picking ourselves up every time we fall.

Let's do it again, friends.

Let me end this article with my favorite screen from Rocky Balboa.

Love you guys!