A No-porn 78 Days Relapse (NoFap)

Five days ago, on July 2nd, 2023, I experienced a relapse on day 78 of my journey to quit pornography.

Today, I'm not here to dwell on my losses or shed tears over my setback. Instead, I want to share the valuable lessons I've learned from this experience.

In this article, I'll delve into what worked and what didn't, as well as explore areas that can be improved upon. Join me as I reflect on my relapse and uncover insights that can help me—and hopefully others—on the path to recovery.

What Caused The Relapse?

The relapse was brought on by a combination of various factors that created a perfect storm.

Firstly, the chaos and emotional turmoil stemming from ongoing family drama weighed heavily on my mind, leaving me feeling vulnerable and seeking an escape.

Additionally, I was disappointed with the performance of my website, which added to my stress and desire for distraction.

In moments of procrastination and avoidance of real work, I found myself succumbing to curiosity, wondering if the websites I used to frequent had updated with any exciting content.

This curiosity, coupled with the constant bombardment of triggering material through YouTube recommendations, weakened my resolve further.

To complicate matters, I noticed a tendency to seek out and scroll through images of scantily dressed anime characters from video games and Manhwa (Korean comics). This habit served as an additional trigger that exacerbated the challenge of resisting temptation.

Recognizing these contributing factors to my relapse is crucial in understanding the vulnerabilities I faced during that time. By acknowledging these elements, I can develop strategies to address and overcome them in my ongoing journey towards recovery.

Where Did I Get The Triggers?

My triggers predominantly originated from two main sources. The first source was YouTube, with its vast array of intentionally or unintentionally highly suggestive content.

The platform's recommendation algorithm often exposed me to material that fueled my cravings and made it challenging to resist temptation.

The second source of triggers stemmed from my day-to-day life, particularly during the past two weeks when my family was embroiled in significant drama.

Although I am unable to disclose the specific details out of respect for my family members' privacy, I can share that the turmoil we experienced was profoundly draining.

The heightened stress and emotional upheaval during this period intensified my cravings and made it even more challenging to maintain my commitment to abstain from pornography.

Nevertheless, it's important to note that I've come to recognize the value of a peaceful and calm life, free from unnecessary drama or chaos.

This recent episode served as a powerful reminder that tranquility and harmony should be highly sought after and cherished. It reaffirmed the importance of maintaining a stable and nurturing environment, both for myself and for my loved ones.

How Do I Feel?

My emotions and reflections after the relapse are complex and multi-faceted.

Firstly, I feel a slight sense of guilt towards my wife, but I took the initiative to come clean with her in the morning. I reassured her of my commitment to not indulge as I have in the past.

As always, she has been incredibly supportive, and we shared our respective challenges with bingeing, fostering a deeper understanding between us.

In terms of the experience itself, it can be described as lackluster. It felt akin to consuming fast food—a momentary excitement, a hint of tastiness at the beginning, but ultimately leaving me feeling empty and disgusted afterward.

Interestingly, I found myself becoming physically limp during the second half of the session, further contributing to the disappointment.

At the initial stages of edging, there was an adrenaline rush. I could feel my blood rushing to my face, my body tensing up, and a hyper-focused state taking over. The entire session took nearly two hours to complete.

Disappointment also arose from the content available. After abstaining for almost three months, I had expected better updates and more enticing material. However, the reality fell short of my expectations, and this disappointment further contributed to my loss of interest and satisfaction.

Amidst these mixed emotions, I find myself in a state of confusion. While I do not feel a sense of self-disappointment in choosing to engage in PMO, I am profoundly disappointed with the experience itself.

Additionally, the past two weeks of battling illness have left me feeling tired, adding to the overall fatigue. Despite experiencing some difficulty sleeping, it was still a better night's rest compared to the night following the relapse.

As I reflect on these feelings and insights, I am reminded of the importance of learning from this experience and using it as motivation to continue my journey towards recovery.

It serves as a reminder of the lackluster and unsatisfying nature of pornography, reaffirming my commitment to seek fulfillment and joy in healthier aspects of life.

What Are The After Effects?

Naturally, engaging in PMO comes with its own set of side effects, and exploring these effects was one of the reasons I decided to indulge. It became apparent that pornography had a significant impact on my mind, causing various negative after effects.

Junk Filled Mind

One of the "charming" effects I experienced was how my mind suddenly became a junkyard, cluttered with lingering images and thoughts from my previous PMO session. It was like my brain went on a vacation to the land of meaningless and unhealthy content, leaving me stuck with mental garbage.

This was a stark contrast to how my mind operated before the relapse, where I was more focused on productive activities, reflecting on my experiences, and engaging in creative writing.

Even in moments of solitude, the images from the PMO session would resurface in my mind, and my thoughts would gravitate towards seeking more explicit content to explore.

The invasion of sexualized imagery even invaded my moments of solitude. Picture this: I'm out for a peaceful run, trying to clear my mind, and suddenly, porn scenes decide to crash the party uninvited. Even meditation wasn't spared from this madness. I guess my mind decided to give me a "guided meditation" featuring adult content. Thanks, brain!

However, by the second day following the relapse, I noticed a slight improvement. My mind felt less fogged, and the frequency of suggestive images had reduced.

During my run and meditation, I didn't experience any intrusive thoughts. However, I realized that these images resurfaced when triggered by YouTube suggestions featuring skimpy anime characters.

So, while the battle against these mind-junk invaders continues, I'm determined to stay vigilant and keep my mental space clutter-free. No more garbage thoughts, YouTube temptations, or unwanted intrusions during my sacred moments of running and meditation. It's time to kick them out and reclaim my mind's sanity!

Disconnection In Relationships

After the relapse, I experienced a sense of disconnection, as if I had retreated back into the virtual world and detached myself from the real world.

Unfortunately, the positive connection I had built with my wife during my no-porn days seemed to fade away. Granted, she was also going through a difficult time with extreme backache and headaches, which further contributed to the disconnection.

Moreover, I felt a disconnection with my children as well, although not as deeply as with my wife. It's as if I had something to hide again, a desire to keep them at a distance.

This disconcerting feeling left me questioning myself and the impact of my relapse on my relationships with loved ones.

Attention To Body Parts Again

Another disconcerting aftermath of the relapse was the resurgence of my tendency to objectify women. It's like my internal "eye control" system decided to take an extended coffee break right after the relapse.

Suddenly, I found myself unintentionally zooming in on specific body parts and objectifying women in the sneakiest of subconscious ways. Talk about an epic fail in my efforts to control where my gaze wanders.

This awakening served as a stark reminder of the profound impact pornography has on our subconscious minds, perpetuating harmful patterns of thinking and distorting our perception of women. It's like those explicit images had insidiously infiltrated the deepest corners of my mind, affecting my day-to-day interactions and clouding my ability to see women as whole individuals.

To add insult to injury, I also noticed a significant loss of focus and an insatiable craving for mindless activities.

Suddenly, social media became a black hole, devouring my precious time, and aimless YouTube browsing became my favorite pastime. It was as if my attention span had taken a vacation, leaving me struggling to stay engaged in important tasks.

But fear not, for I have taken up the challenge to be more vigilant in catching my wandering eyes. As Alastor Moody would exclaim, "Constant vigilance!" It's time to keep a watchful eye on my visual habits and redirect my focus to more meaningful endeavors.

Sleep Badly Affected

Additionally, my sleep quality was negatively affected.

Contrary to my previous expectations of falling asleep immediately after PMO, I experienced a high adrenaline rush during the session, leading to restless nights and difficulty in falling asleep.

I wondered if this change was due to the process of relapsing after a period of abstinence. It was the same for the second night after relapse. While it was a bit better, it still took me longer (1 hour or so) to fall asleep.

Highly Irritable

Lastly, I noticed that my irritability levels were significantly heightened. I truly felt that I had lost the zen-ness I had when I was non-pmo.

It's unclear whether this was due to a lack of sleep, brain fog, frustration with myself, or a culmination of the past two weeks of sickness.

Regardless, I found myself easily becoming impatient and intolerant, particularly with my children, desiring quick resolutions and minimal 'nonsense'.

(Update 3 days after relapse - I am pretty sure that PMO is messing up my mind. I am still shortfused even after getting a good night’s sleep.)

Reflecting on these after effects serves as a stark reminder of the negative impact of pornography on various aspects of my life.

It reinforces my commitment to overcome this addiction, heal my mind, and regain control over my thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

Highly Susceptible To Bingeing

The cycle of bingeing is a harrowing experience that many people who have relapsed can relate to. It's disheartening to hear how some individuals spend a week or even longer immersed in a bingeing pattern of PMO right after achieving a significant streak.

Unfortunately, I found myself in a similar situation this time. After my relapse, I immediately succumbed to bingeing on PMO the next afternoon and continued once more the following day. I was aware of the toll it was taking on my mind and relationships, yet I felt powerless to stop myself.

The consequences of bingeing can be utterly devastating and demoralizing. I empathize with those who have struggled to break free from this pattern and eventually returned to their old habits, as I was once among them.

In the upcoming sections, I will delve deeper into the lessons I have learned from this experience and how I plan to overcome the challenges associated with bingeing.

Did I Lose My NoFap Superpowers?

Seriously, it's puzzling how some people assume that all the progress they've painstakingly accumulated in their NoFap journey will vanish simply because they've experienced one or two relapses.

It's like saying you'll lose all the muscles you've gained from skipping the gym for a day or two.

That being said, not facing any consequences of PMO after a period of abstinence is impossible. All I am ttry

Let's revisit the three scientifically-based NoFap 'superpowers' I previously mentioned:

Confidence

Do I lose confidence in myself after a relapse?

The answer is both yes and no.

While a relapse may have some impact on my confidence, it does not completely shatter it. It does affect me on some level because, no matter the reasoning I may provide to myself, the truth remains that I gave in to temptation and cravings.

However, I refuse to let it derail all the progress I've made. I recognize that setbacks are a natural part of the journey, and I remain committed to continuing forward, knowing that with time, dedication, and learning from my mistakes, I will only become stronger and better.

So while a relapse may momentarily dampen your confidence and self-esteem, it does not erase the progress you have made in developing a healthier self-image. Remember that true confidence is built upon a strong foundation of self-worth and self-acceptance.

It is a matter of choice between just giving up or standing up, dust yourself clean and move forward.

I also want to address. It's crucial to be kind to yourself and not beat yourself up over a relapse. Remember, quitting porn is a lifelong journey, akin to running a marathon.

It's okay to slow down and rest as long as you ultimately reach your destination. You may stumble along the way, but the key is to pick yourself up, dust off the setbacks, and continue moving forward.

One strategy I've found helpful is consistently doing something for yourself, regardless of whether you've relapsed or not.

Engage in an activity that allows you to make progress and feel proud of yourself.

For me, it's running. Rain or shine, sickness or wellness, good days or bad days, I commit to running. Even if you're not in the mood, start with a short run.

Just take that first step.

Additionally, I write every day, no matter the circumstances. Even if it's just a single paragraph, I make sure to fulfill that commitment.

Remember, confidence is built by accomplishing the things you've promised yourself to do each day.

Don't make the NoFap streak your sole commitment. I made that mistake initially and felt devastated when I relapsed, leading me to give up on everything I had achieved at that time. Learn from my experience and avoid making the same error.

Energy

After a relapse on my nofap journey, I have noticed a significant impact on my energy levels.

It's not uncommon to feel lethargic and experience headaches following a relapse. Surprisingly, I observed these effects creeping in halfway through my recent PMO session, which made me reflect on the consequences of my actions.

One of the noticeable side effects I have experienced is brain fog. While the exact cause of this foggy state is not entirely clear, it appears to be influenced by both poor sleep quantity and quality, as well as a potential dopamine deficiency.

To compound matters, I have been sick for the past two weeks, enduring severe coughing that has negatively impacted my sleep. Despite this pre-existing condition, I have still noticed a heightened brain fog following my recent relapse.

Another area where my energy levels have been affected is in my ability to stay awake and alert during the day. I find myself dozing off easily in the afternoon, struggling to maintain focus and productivity.

Previously, using the NSDR technique (Non-Sleep Deep Rest) had been effective in re-energizing me, but it seems to have lost its efficacy after my relapse. I now require longer naps, surpassing my usual 20-30 minute sessions. Even an hour of sleep is no longer sufficient to revitalize me.

Overall, the relapse on my nofap journey has had a noticeable impact on my energy levels. Lethargy, headaches, brain fog, and increased sleep requirements have become prominent features of my daily life.

It serves as a stark reminder of the importance of staying committed to my goals and avoiding relapses in order to maintain optimal energy levels and overall well-being.

Time

The loss of time and productivity occurs when one falls back into the habit of daily fapping and excessive gaming. However, if this isn't the case, the impact may not be as significant.

I have made a conscious effort to avoid video games, reading fanfiction, and comics since starting my no-porn journey. These used to be major time-consuming activities for me.

However, I do catch myself getting distracted by other things, like watching people play Street Fighter 6 or listening to James Blunt's "Monsters" on repeat. It's frustrating because these distractions make it difficult for me to get back to work.

During the three PMO sessions I had, I wasted a considerable amount of time, averaging around two hours each time.

The last session was even worse as I spent a significant amount of time edging and searching for specific content. It's disheartening to realize how much time I've lost in this way.

The worst part is the lethargy and restlessness that follows each PMO session. It's a contradictory feeling of not wanting to do anything yet feeling restless at the same time. This restlessness makes me irritable and adds fuel to the fire of my frustration.

In terms of productivity, I have noticed a dip even with increased sleep. It's been challenging to maintain focus while typing, as I often find myself mindlessly typing, hoping that the words convey my intended message coherently. It feels as though my mind is no longer under my control.

Despite these difficulties, I continue to push through in my writing. I firmly believe that it's important to prioritize what truly matters, regardless of whether I feel like it or not.

I remain optimistic that these feelings will eventually fade away after a few days. I just have to accept the consequences of my actions, stay resilient, and keep moving forward.

It's essential to remember that a relapse doesn't erase all the progress I've made. I view it as a valuable learning experience, an opportunity to understand my triggers better, and reinforce my commitment to my NoFap journey.

I urge myself to stay determined and focus on the overall direction I'm heading in, rather than getting fixated on individual setbacks. It's the collective progress and growth that truly matters in the long run.

What have I learnt?

In this section, I aim to delve into the valuable insights I've gained from my relapse and my experience with 79 days of porn abstinence.

I'll discuss the strategies and approaches that proved effective, as well as those that fell short.

By understanding the underlying reasons for my actions and their consequences, I can shed light on what can be done to improve and optimize my journey towards quitting porn.

Frequency Of Urge - Understanding Triggers and Stress

During my journey, I've discovered important insights regarding the frequency of urges and their connection to various triggers and stressors. Understanding these patterns has been instrumental in navigating and managing my cravings effectively.

One striking observation is that urges tend to intensify when I fall sick. In a counterintuitive manner, instead of prioritizing rest and recovery, my mind has been conditioned to seek comfort and relief through pornography.

It seems that I have developed a habit of self-medicating stress and discomfort with this destructive behavior.

Another noteworthy occurrence is the heightened intensity of urges as I approach certain milestones, particularly around the 30-day mark. It seems to happen consistently, where the week leading up to reaching the 60-day milestone was particularly challenging.

During these times, the urges are accompanied by attempts to rationalize and justify engaging in PMO. It's as if my mind tries to convince me that porn isn't harmful, creating a deceptive narrative to give in to the cravings.

Additionally, I've noticed that urges resurface with full force when I feel lost or stagnant, especially when I am unsure of my progress or direction. Despite maintaining my daily running routine, doubts and questions arise about the purpose of my efforts.

The lackluster results, such as low view counts on my website, lead to disappointment and self-doubt. It's during these moments that the urges surge back, tempting me to seek solace in the familiar escape of pornography.

Thoughts like, "What if it doesn't work? What if no one reads it? What if it's all just a futile endeavor?" infiltrate my mind and amplify the cravings.

Over the past two weeks, I've experienced an accumulation of disappointments, surpassing the collective impact of many previous years. Personal relationships have strained, such as one of my family member's refusal to connect and heed my advice, and being drawn into their family drama.

Furthermore, I uncovered a deep-seated hurt caused unintentionally to my mother years ago (while I was a teengar), which she still carries. These emotional upheavals have added to the stress and have triggered a torrent of urges.

Recognizing these patterns has allowed me to develop a greater awareness of the interplay between stress, triggers, and the emergence of urges. It has become evident that when I am feeling overwhelmed and seeking an escape from reality, the urges intensify, tempting me with a false sense of relief.

Moving forward, I will explore strategies to better manage stress, address underlying emotional wounds, and develop healthier coping mechanisms.

I find playing piano and going for a long walk quite healing for me. Therefore, I intended to put more time in both of them on a daily basis such as going for an evening walk right after dinner.

By nurturing resilience and finding constructive outlets for stress and discomfort, I aim to mitigate the power of these urges and maintain my commitment to a porn-free lifestyle.

Embracing Boredom - Cultivating Inner Reflection and Creativity

In my previous advice, I suggested keeping busy as a means to divert our attention from thoughts of pornography. While it can be effective for a while, constantly engaging in activities can lead to burnout if not balanced properly.

There are times when rest or having nothing to do is essential to prevent burnout. It's important to recognize the value of embracing boredom and allowing ourselves to experience that feeling.

By doing so, we create space for introspection and a deeper understanding of what we might be trying to distract ourselves from.

Constantly seeking external stimuli and keeping ourselves busy can become a distraction from the inner work that needs to be done.

It can be likened to the behavior of workaholics, who use their work as a way to avoid confronting their deepest unrest. Rich Roll, an author and a vegan ultra-endurance athlete, in his interview on Diary of A CEO, refers to this as a different form of addiction.

One practical way to cultivate a tolerance for boredom is to remove distractions during everyday activities.

For instance, try engaging in daily chores or exercises without music or podcasts. During meals, avoid the use of smart devices, books, or television, and simply focus on the act of eating and being present with your food.

Running without external audio stimulation is particularly beneficial for training yourself to embrace boredom, as it eliminates distractions and encourages self-reflection.

It has allowed me to be alone with my thoughts and delve deeper into what might be bothering me.

Incorporating meditation into your daily routine can also be helpful. Even just 10 minutes of meditation each day can have a profound impact on your ability to cultivate calmness and introspection.

Personally, I have noticed a decrease in my level of tranquility when I haven't been able to meditate consistently due to persistent coughing.

If meditation isn't your preferred practice, simply sitting in stillness and doing nothing can be equally beneficial. Just be present with yourself and become comfortable with the experience of boredom. Embracing this state allows you to explore the depths of your thoughts and emotions.

It's worth noting that aside from increasing your tolerance for boredom, there are numerous benefits to be gained from this practice. Boredom can stimulate creativity, foster mental well-being, and provide an opportunity for self-discovery.

By intentionally creating space for boredom and learning to be at peace with it, we open ourselves up to new perspectives, insights, and a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Embracing boredom becomes a powerful tool for personal growth and cultivating a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Doing Meaningful Things Reduces Cravings - Connecting with Others

Engaging in meaningful activities, particularly connecting with others on a deeper emotional level, can have a profound impact on reducing cravings.

It goes beyond surface-level conversations about the weather or work and delves into understanding their lives, problems, and inner demons.

This type of connection allows us to remove ourselves from the equation and shift our focus beyond our own desires.

When we truly connect with others, we experience a sense of communion that fosters healing and growth. It's through these connections that we discover a deeper purpose and a desire to serve others.

Suddenly, the need to engage in destructive behaviors like PMO diminishes, as our attention is redirected towards meaningful interactions and making a positive impact on those around us.

I've noticed that my strongest urges tend to arise when I feel like I'm not doing much for others. It's during these moments that engaging in PMO can feel like a distraction, attempting to fill a void that can only be truly satisfied through meaningful engagement with others.

Meaningful activities don't have to be grand gestures; they can be as simple as spending quality time with loved ones.

For instance, I recently decided to dedicate an hour to playing catch with my children, an activity we hadn't done together in a while. It turned out to be a wonderful experience—we all had a great workout, and my girls thoroughly enjoyed themselves.

Their joy was palpable, and they expressed a desire to play catch regularly in the future.

It's crucial to be actively involved in these moments, rather than passively bringing our children to the playground and being preoccupied with our phones.

By fully immersing ourselves in these meaningful experiences, we forge stronger connections, create lasting memories, and find fulfillment in being present with our loved ones.

By prioritizing meaningful connections and activities, we can significantly reduce cravings and break the cycle of seeking temporary gratification through destructive habits.

As we embrace the power of genuine connections and selfless actions, we discover a richer and more purposeful way of living that diminishes the allure of unhealthy behaviors.

Getting Things Done: Achievements, Focus, and Balance

Constantly achieving tasks and goals is essential for building confidence and strengthening your resolve. It not only provides a sense of accomplishment but also generates momentum that can propel you to tackle other tasks effectively.

In my experience, completing articles is a significant source of satisfaction and helps me maintain focus and reduce stress.

I've noticed that I am more susceptible to distractions, triggers, and cravings when I'm not actively working on tasks and not making progress.

Simply engaging in work without finishing anything can leave me feeling unfulfilled. That's why it's crucial to establish a schedule and commit to it, such as setting specific posting days for articles, like Wednesdays and Saturdays.

Interestingly, once I have successfully published an article, I find that my cravings tend to diminish. It seems that when I'm stressed and seeking distractions, cravings become more pronounced.

By consistently accomplishing tasks and maintaining a productive workflow, I provide myself with a sense of fulfillment and reduce the need for unhealthy coping mechanisms.

However, I'm also aware that it takes time to convince myself that the amount of work I've completed is sufficient. Sometimes, the pressure to achieve more can lead to unrealistic expectations.

For instance, attempting to complete one article per day may be overwhelming and prevent me from allocating enough time for my family, especially as the main caregiver.

It's important to strike a balance and prioritize involvement in their development. Pushing myself to the point of sacrificing sleep proved to be detrimental in the past, affecting various aspects of my life, including writing focus, presence with my children, and overall well-being.

Lack of sleep has far-reaching consequences, impacting cognitive functions, memory retention, and overall health.

My personal experiences align with the findings of circadian rhythm studies, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a healthy sleep schedule. Reflecting on the effects of disrupted sleep patterns during my brother's visit further reinforced this understanding.

Finding the right balance is an ongoing process. It requires acknowledging the need for achievement while also recognizing the significance of rest, quality time with loved ones, and self-care.

By establishing realistic goals and setting boundaries, I can maintain a productive work routine while ensuring I prioritize my well-being and maintain a healthy balance in all aspects of my life.

Accountability and Radical Honesty: Powerful Tools for Change

Accountability serves as one of the most effective agents in breaking free from addictive habits. As seen in organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), admitting powerlessness over the addiction and seeking support from an accountability partner is a crucial step in the recovery process.

In AA's 12-step program, individuals are paired with more experienced members who have successfully maintained sobriety. These sponsors act as accountability partners, providing guidance, sharing personal experiences, and supporting the sponsees in their journey through the steps.

However, when it comes to quitting porn, there is no structured organization in the same vein as AA. It becomes vital, therefore, to carefully select your accountability partner.

Personally, I have found it challenging to find someone in person who has achieved long-term abstinence from porn and truly understands the difficulties of quitting. It can be disheartening when others dismiss the significance of the journey or treat it as a mere joke.

It's important to recognize that you may not receive the same level of support and understanding from a supportive social group, such as AA or a depression support group.

In my case, my wife acts as my accountability partner because I believe in maintaining transparency and not keeping anything from her.

While she helps me stay accountable, I acknowledge that she may not fully comprehend the depth of my struggles. This awareness prevents me from expecting the same level of support as I would from a fellow companion on this specific journey.

If you think that sharing your journey with your partner would create more problems (either your own reactions or theirs), it may be beneficial to confide in a trusted friend who can fulfill the role of an accountability partner.

The key is to find someone who can hold you accountable and support you along the way.

If you are choosing someone close as your accountability partner, it is important to recognize that we all have our own struggles and addictive tendencies.

Comparing ourselves to others in terms of their progress or struggles can be detrimental to the accountability process. Accountability is ultimately a personal choice, driven by the desire to improve oneself and break free from addictive patterns.

Reacting defensively or negatively when others address our behaviors often stems from our ego's attempt to protect itself and avoid confronting the truth.

Recently, my wife noticed and pointed out that I was engaging in reading fanfiction, which she knew from history had the potential to lead me back into the cycle of edging and PMO.

In that moment, my immediate reaction was to question her authority to hold me accountable, considering her own struggles. However, I was fortunate to have a wife who listened patiently (even though my remark had hurt her at first) to my feelings and allowed space for open communication.

Through our conversation, I came to realize that my strong reaction was not about her or her accountability towards me. It was a reflection of my own inner dissatisfaction and frustrations with myself. During the period of successful no-porn progress, I had become less critical of myself, leading to a more peaceful mindset.

I am truly grateful for my wife's patience and empathetic nature, which allowed us to address the underlying issues and find understanding.

It served as a reminder that accountability is not about comparing our journeys or pointing fingers at each other's flaws, but rather about supporting and uplifting one another in our individual pursuits of personal growth and overcoming addiction.

However, having an accountability partner is only effective if paired with radical honesty. It is far too easy to hide the fact that you have engaged in PMO, especially if it occurs sporadically and goes undetected by others. Tracking someone else's actions is difficult.

Therefore, it becomes essential to take ownership and admit your actions to yourself and your accountability partner. Without radical honesty, the temptation to deceive oneself and others can become a recurring pattern.

In her book "Dopamine Nation," author Anna Lembke highlights how lying can become ingrained in our brains.

She observed that once she started telling and telling enough lies, it became a second nature, and she also encountered patients who lied habitually, even when it wasn't necessary.

Overcoming this pattern requires embracing radical honesty as the antidote.

By practicing radical honesty, we break free from the chains of deceit and create a foundation of trust within ourselves and with our accountability partner. It establishes a solid framework for growth, self-reflection, and ultimately, lasting change.

In the next sections, I will explore additional strategies and insights that have proven helpful in my journey towards quitting porn, enabling me to foster personal growth, regain control, and lead a more fulfilling life.

There Is Nothing Wrong With Stopping: Learning from Mistakes

Reflecting on my recent PMO session, I couldn't help but chuckle at the peculiar turn of events.

You see, something quite unexpected happened - I experienced a loss of arousal in the second half. Yes, my friends, my excitement went from "rock solid" to "disappointingly flimsy."

Now, you might think, why on earth would I continue with such a lackluster experience?

Well, it turns out I fell into the trap of the sunk cost fallacy. I convinced myself that since I had already invested so much time edging and searching for the perfect content, I might as well see it through to completion. I mean, come on, I couldn't let all that effort go to waste, right?

But in hindsight, I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of it all. It would have been far wiser to recognize the signs and simply call it quits. I mean, who wants to keep chasing after diminishing pleasure? It's like trying to squeeze the last drop of toothpaste from a tube that's already run dry - it just doesn't make sense.

This comical realization taught me an important lesson: sometimes, the best thing we can do is put an end to something that no longer serves us, regardless of the time or effort we've invested. Falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy only leads to more negative consequences, like a never-ending loop of disappointment.

In that moment, I could have made the savvy choice to stop, acknowledging that the experience wasn't fulfilling my desires and was counterproductive to my goal of quitting porn. By embracing self-awareness and making informed decisions, I could have spared myself unnecessary prolongation and avoided the dreaded bingeing craze that often follows.

So, my friends, let's remember this valuable lesson: prioritize our overall well-being and long-term goals over short-term impulses or attachments to past investments. It's all about being mindful of our actions and having the courage to say, "Enough is enough."

There's strength in knowing when to hit the brakes, recalibrate, and redirect our energy toward healthier endeavors. And hey, let's have a good laugh along the way - life's too short to take it all too seriously!

Don't Binge: Breaking the Cycle

In the aftermath of a relapse, it's common for the temptation to arise, suggesting that one should indulge in a binge as a way to satisfy the cravings.

There is a study on this phenomenon and the researchers called ironically “what-the-hell effect”

Our brain has a tendency to just abandon the ship when things don’t go our way. We see this in many scenarios, such as “I already had a cookie, let’s eat more and I will start my dieting tomorrow” or “I have already watched one show, let’s just watch another and do the work tomorrow.” or “Since I have already drunk 2 pegs of beer, a few more won’t hurt right? I will not drink again tomorrow.” and etc.

The thought of starting anew the next day may seem tempting, but it's important to resist this urge.

Drawing from my personal experiences, I can attest that the effects of a relapse and subsequent PMO sessions can differ significantly.

Upon relapse, feelings of restlessness and fatigue may emerge. However, during my morning run following the relapse, I found some respite. I was still able to gather my thoughts and think about what to write.

It was the second PMO session shortly after the relapse that proved to be the true challenge.

I felt utterly exhausted, lacking motivation, and trapped in a cloud of brain fog, even after attempting to alleviate it with a short nap.

It was clear that I was experiencing a severe dopamine deficit, and the addictive nature of porn-watching was undeniable.

Having learned from my previous experiences in 2020, I understood that this wasn't merely a matter of lacking self-control or poor willpower.

Instead of succumbing to feelings of helplessness and concluding that I was too weak-minded, I took immediate action to correct my path.

One of the steps I took was implementing parental controls on my smartphone, with my wife holding the parent account. I even set sleep time from 8pm-7am to restrict my phone using hours.

This act of taking responsibility and actively making efforts to change instilled a sense of power within me.

It served as a reminder that I possessed the ability to regain control over my actions and make the necessary adjustments to prevent future relapses.

By avoiding the path of bingeing, I avoided further detrimental effects on my well-being and progress. It's crucial to recognize that succumbing to the addictive cycle only perpetuates the negative patterns and undermines the progress we have made.

Instead, we must remain committed to our journey of quitting porn, even in the face of setbacks.

Doing First Thing First Doesn't Work With Porn: The Uncomfortable Conflict

Recently, I caught myself trying to justify my porn behavior by comparing it to successful individuals who also indulge in it. I began to question whether, if I completed my work first, watching porn would become less problematic.

It was a slippery slope of rationalization.

In my attempt to prioritize work before giving in to the temptation of porn, I found myself rushing through my tasks with a sense of urgency.

Unfortunately, this resulted in compromised quality, as I neglected important steps like curating, proofreading, and conducting thorough research. The outcome suffered as a result.

Throughout this process, my mind became a battlefield of conflicting thoughts.

On one side, there was the desire to provide value through my work, while on the other side, the undeniable urge to engage in something I knew deep down was inherently wrong—watching porn. Adding to the flame the conflict of low dopamine yet important task vs high dopamine yet meaningless behavior.

This internal conflict left me feeling restless, torn between fulfilling my work responsibilities and succumbing to the temptation of PMO.

The presence of these conflicting thoughts also had a detrimental impact on my focus. Instead of wholeheartedly dedicating my attention to the task at hand, I found myself easily distracted by thoughts of what I would indulge in during my upcoming PMO session.

It became a cycle of constantly seeking and searching for pornographic content, taking away precious time and energy from my work.

This uncomfortable conflict sheds light on the inherent difficulty of trying to compartmentalize our desires and priorities. When we attempt to separate our work obligations from our inclination towards unhealthy behaviors, we create an internal struggle that undermines our ability to perform at our best.

Recognizing this discomfort is a crucial step in breaking the cycle. It serves as a signal to address the root causes of our cravings and develop strategies that align with our long-term goals. Rather than succumbing to the allure of instant gratification, we must seek healthier alternatives and find ways to navigate through these conflicting thoughts.

By doing so, we can regain control over our focus, improve the quality of our work, and ultimately steer our lives in a direction that aligns with our values and aspirations.

It's time to break free from the rationalizations and embrace a more fulfilling and purpose-driven path.

Triggers Come In Various Forms: Beyond External Stimuli

In the past, I believed that triggers were solely derived from the environment, such as explicit images, a familiar location setting or suggestive content.

However, I have come to realize that triggers can manifest in diverse forms, extending far beyond external stimuli. Anything that activates my coping mechanisms can serve as a trigger, including stresses, rejections, disappointments, expectations, fears, boredom, and sadness.

These internal triggers have a profound impact on my emotional well-being and can easily lead me down the path of seeking solace in unhealthy behaviors like watching porn. They tap into my vulnerability and challenge my ability to manage difficult emotions effectively.

Stresses, whether related to work, relationships, or personal responsibilities, can create immense pressure and push me towards seeking an escape.

Rejections and disappointments can evoke feelings of inadequacy or rejection, prompting me to seek temporary relief in familiar habits.

Unrealistic expectations, whether self-imposed or influenced by societal norms, can trigger a sense of failure or dissatisfaction, fueling the desire for a quick fix.

Furthermore, fears can become triggers as they activate the instinctual fight-or-flight response, and pornography may temporarily provide a false sense of security or distraction.

Boredom, often underestimated, can also serve as a trigger, as it leaves room for idle thoughts and restlessness, leading to the inclination to seek stimulation through unhealthy means.

Additionally, periods of sadness or emotional turmoil can make me more susceptible to seeking comfort in familiar, yet harmful, patterns.

Recognizing that triggers can take various forms, both external and internal, is crucial in developing effective strategies to manage them.

By understanding the underlying emotions and vulnerabilities associated with these triggers, I can begin to address them in healthier ways.

This may involve developing healthier coping mechanisms, seeking support from loved ones, engaging in self-reflection, or finding alternative outlets for stress relief and emotional processing.

Hentai Is Still Porn: Acknowledging the Impact

One of the challenges I face in quitting porn is my preference for hentai over human porn. I often find myself justifying its consumption by telling myself that it should be harmless since

it involves animated characters rather than real individuals. The notion that it wouldn't objectify women because they are merely drawings seems to make sense at first.

However, the reality is that watching hentai still comes with severe repercussions. In fact, it may even have a more intense impact than traditional porn due to certain factors.

One of these factors is the ability to consume multiple sessions rapidly. Unlike watching a movie or a video, reading a comic can be done at a much quicker pace, allowing for a higher frequency of exposure to explicit content.

Furthermore, the world of hentai offers a wide range of genres, including darker themes that can be more psychologically intense than real-life scenarios. This abundance of variety and the ability to explore different types of characters contributes to the allure and potential addictive nature of hentai.

It's important to recognize that regardless of the medium, the core nature of hentai remains the same—it depicts explicit sexual content intended for arousal. Engaging with hentai still perpetuates the consumption of pornography and its effects on our mental well-being.

By acknowledging that hentai is still a form of porn, we can better understand the impact it can have on our lives. It's essential to address the underlying reasons for our attraction to hentai and work towards healthier alternatives for fulfilling our desires and finding genuine connection with others.

What Am I Doing To Prevent A Relapse? Strategies for Success

To ensure my ongoing journey towards a porn-free life, I have implemented several strategies that have proven effective in preventing relapses and supporting my overall well-being.

1. Reaffirming My Why: I remind myself of the hideous effects of porn on my emotional and mental health. The mental fog, irritability, and tension it brings into my relationships serve as powerful reminders of why I want to break free from its grasp. I am committed to being a patient, loving father and husband, and I refuse to let porn interfere with my ability to embody those qualities.

2. Implementing Parental Controls: I have established a parental control system, with my wife holding the parent account, to reduce screen time and limit access to triggering content. This not only serves as a practical measure but also symbolizes my recognition that willpower alone may not always be sufficient. By actively taking steps to restrict access to harmful influences, I am creating a supportive environment for my recovery.

3. Increasing Meditation Practice: I am dedicating more time to meditation to enhance my concentration and strengthen my ability to cope with boredom. By adjusting my meditation practice to be one of the first activities in my day, I am prioritizing my mental well-being and setting a positive tone for the rest of the day. Meditation has proven to be a valuable tool in cultivating calmness and introspection, helping me stay centered and focused on my journey.

4. Prioritizing Quality Sleep: I am committed to ensuring I get sufficient and restorative sleep by setting an earlier bedtime, aiming to be asleep no later than 10:30pm. I have experienced firsthand the detrimental effects of sleep deprivation, including compromised physical health, diminished focus, and increased vulnerability to triggers. Sleeping early also allows me to wake up earlier. That will give me more time to stretch/exercise and prepare breakfast for my girls before they wake up. By prioritizing sleep, I am nurturing my overall well-being and equipping myself with the energy and mental clarity needed to resist temptation.

5. Engaging in Music: I am incorporating longer piano practice into my routine (was doing around 10 mins daily), dedicating at least 30 minutes every night. Playing music serves as a powerful stress-reduction tool and allows me to experience the therapeutic benefits of being in a state of flow. It provides an outlet for self-expression, enables me to replace unhealthy coping mechanisms, and instills a sense of accomplishment and personal growth. The motivation behind practicing music is purely self-driven, devoid of external expectations or pressures, which adds to its intrinsic value and positive impact on my well-being. Whereas this blog, regardless of whatever altruistic and personal reasons I am doing it for, I still wish that it will be successful and help me make income eventually.

By implementing these strategies, I am actively shaping an environment that supports my journey towards a porn-free life. Each step contributes to my overall growth and well-being, strengthening my determination and resolve to prioritize my own mental health, relationships, and personal fulfillment.

Afterword

So yeah, I have relapsed and even binged. But it is not the end of the world.

No-porn is a journey with its ups and downs. A relapse is just a temporary setback, and the progress you've made remains valuable and significant.

By learning from the experience, understanding your triggers, and recommitting to your goals, you can continue to harness the benefits of NoFap and build upon the foundation you've already established.

Remember, the true power lies within your determination and perseverance, not solely in the absence of pornography. Stay focused, embrace the lessons learned, and continue moving forward on your journey towards a healthier and more fulfilling life.

As Slyvester Stallone said in Rocky Balboa “It's not about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward.”

So go forth brothers/sisters.

With love.